Addressing Myself

– Dipasha Khanal, Science, D1 |

What’s the world supposed to be to a sixteen year old? I’m an embodiment of average, in every sense of the word.  From academics to social life and skills. Normal. This word daunts me. I’m not at the top or in the bottom I’m just kind of in the middle. And the thing about being somewhere in the middle is that its easy to get lost, there’s so many people with me in the middle that i loose myself to every other one of them. It does come with its perks though, I don’t feel the need to satisfy or please anyone else but myself mostly because not much is expected of me. I don’t know if it’s too soon to say this, but I’m losing the will to do better, I find that where I am at this moment will surely take me someplace in the future. Will it be someplace revolutionary? I doubt it. However I find a sense of contentment in being your normal highschooler.

I let the days pass me by, try my best to blend in the picture; fit in the frame but be difficult to locate. Sure when I see people my age that’ve made something out of themselves or even accomplished something as small as wining a competition at school.  I feel something, I haven’t gathered the courage to acknowledge what that something is yet but I most feel that way because I’ve never felt what it’s like to be proud of myself, I’ve never given myself the reason to experience self-appreciation. It isn’t as sad as it sounds though, being average is fun. I just get to exist without being bother by responsibilities that come with talent. And most people out in the world are like me. Average people make the world. There’s so much of us.

When I was younger, I thought I was so special. I’d convince myself that I could do anything; I thought that I could fly, touch the sky. I felt that I was here to change the world, make a difference. I’m out of touch with that part of myself, I don’t even recognize her. Now I’d be happy if I just passed all my exams with decent grades.  Recently, I’ve been asking myself questions. When did I start thinking so lowly of myself? When did I exactly loose the version of myself that lived like she was the main character of her story? When did I stop living and started just existing? And why is it that I can’t get myself to do better?

They say that young people are supposed to be enthusiastic, energetic and efficient ad I am anything but that. I sometimes wish I was just floating. I hate feeling, I actually hate it. I wish I could just simulate myself to please people. I’m too concerned about how I am perceived. I act like nothing bothers me’ like I couldn’t care less about other people’s opinions when that’s all I care about, I want to be liked not loved. It’s draining. I’m insecure. Not just about the about how I look or how I act. I’m an insecure person.  I’m not content about a single thing about myself. If you were to ask me to say three nice things about myself I genuinely can’t. And I wonder if all sixteen year olds feel this way about themselves, is it “normal”.

I’m unaware of what the real world is like. What’s it like for adults. It intrigues me. it excites me. I want to experience life. I’ve had an uneventful past few years of my life. I dislike myself at the moment but I won’t let myself hold me form being al that I wish to be. We’re all floating on a ball of air in the middle of nothing. So at the end of day, it isn’t really that deep. Therefore, I write this as a promise to myself, that despite being an average person I will live an extraordinary life. I’ll fulfill each and every one of my hearts desires not for anyone else but for myself because if I don’t do it for myself no one is going to do it for me.

By: Dipasha Khanal, Science, D1

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